Category Archives: Thoughts

What I’ve Learned by Being Alone

Before sitting down to write I did a quick Google search on the following words: loneliness & alone.

The results were just as I’d expected.

There were tons of posts on the growing public health concern of loneliness, Psychology Today articles on combatting it as well as the human need for socialization. What I didn’t see in my quick search, however, was what I want to write about here — what I’ve learned and the benefits of being alone.

For the past year and half I’ve been contemplating the concept of being alone. I moved to Long Island in 2014 for a dream opportunity. I packed up my belongings and transplanted myself in a locale quite culturally foreign to me. I came here without a network of friends and only some limited family nearby. I was, for all intents and purposes, alone.

Before I came out here I had a vibrant social life and a unique circle of friends of all ages. I’d also never truly been alone before, at least not in the way that I have been in this new setting. Here I have not been able to call up a friend and announce that on a moments notice, I’d be at their door. I’ve always had friends to explore and hangout with. So, as you can imagine, this change was pretty abrupt and harsh for me.

At first I rejected the area and its inhabitants. I assured myself that it was time for me to put my head down and to work hard — harder than ever before. If I threw myself into my work, I wouldn’t have time to feel lonely. This was partially true. The first few months I was here, I worked like a dog. I tried to push the loneliness out by working so hard that the weekends could only be a time for rest, relaxation and recuperation. But as expected, feelings of loneliness would creep up on me when I least expected them. There I was again – at the beach, in random parking lots, in my kitchen, on the phone, in the car – crying. I had never been so lonely, and for so long, in my entire life.

When I sat down with the purpose of writing about being alone out here, my intent was to explain the life lesson that I’ve been learning and not to make anyone feel bad for me…or worse, for ME to feel for myself. Just so I’m clear, loneliness does not necessarily equate to unhappiness for me.

Sure, I have days where I feel melancholy and nostalgic and wish I had my best friends nearby. I’ve even had extended periods of time where I’ve felt this way. However, what I’ve been feeling recently is more balance between being a social butterfly and being alone.

Before I moved here, there were many things I didn’t know about myself. I never needed to ask myself questions like Who am I? What do I want most? Do I love myself? I had a barrage of social reinforcements that I defined myself against, and our collective mentality was supreme. I was able to be a unique part of a whole, but I never felt truly whole myself without my friend group.  But now that’s different, and I am different. I have more insight now that I didn’t have before, and I know myself better.

I have a better understanding of my social patterns and tendencies.  I know that when I feel alone I use Instagram and Facebook as a crutch to to feel connection. Or that I pursue romantic possibilities even when I’m not fully keen on the person.  And I know that I will pick up the phone and dial everyone in my ‘favorites’ in order to hear a voice on the line who can reassure me that I am still awesome.

These patterns and tendencies are hard to admit because they go against one of my core values–give to yourself what you would ask of others to give to you. To simplify what I mean by that would essentially be to say, “Hey, go connect with yourself. Be your own best friend. Fall in love with yourself.”

But I am only human. And I frequently forget that I am one with everyone and everything — I am never truly alone.

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So what, you may ask, is the benefit of being alone for this long? For me, it has been having enough time to take a good look in the mirror. In the past two years I’ve been able to shift some of my most negative patterns in a more positive direction because I’ve had the time to look within. None of this means that I’ve perfected my ways, but I’ve definitely made progress.

I’ve learned to value myself and my time more. I have learned to be non-judgmental and kind to myself when I am having a off day. I’ve learned that meeting new people takes time and requires lots of patience. I’ve learned to be more patient. I’ve learned that connection is all about quality and not about quantity. I’ve learned to be more aware of my time spent on social media and handheld devices. I’ve learned to get out there and do things that interest me. I’ve learned to kick box and to tango. I’ve learned to be more grateful for the things that I do have. I’ve learned to relish a quiet Friday evening at home, and most of all I’ve learned that “me time” is a necessity.

So while it’s been a bumpy ride over the course of the past few years here on Long Island, I’ve learned a great deal about who I am as a person and what I am capable of manifesting all on my very own.

 

 

 

 

 

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Attitude of Gratitude–Day 10– #ThinkingThoughts

Last weekend a friend of mine explained how much he relished long car rides because they give him so much time to think about things. He explained he likes to pick a subject and take it as far as he can go by asking questions, hypothesizing answers, and usually generating some more questions.

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And so I tried it and I learned something really interesting about myself.

I learned that I always think about the same few things. Notably spirituality, travel and work or some variant of the three. It was actually hard for me to come up with a topic that I wouldn’t try to relate back to one of those three subjects and I was a little disappointed when I realized that my life could be summed up in three hashtags. But it was a cool exercise for my brain to see how far I could expand my perception of the world around me, and it furthered my belief that I am the sum of all of my experiences. I will naturally continue to view life through a series of a few different lenses, and project them outwardly onto the people and places I come into contact with… because that is comfortable.

But it also raises the question, what happens when I try to think about things I can’t relate to? Video games for example.  I can’t relate to them in the slightest. So if I can’t relate to something, how am I supposed to perceive it? If I can’t force one of my lenses to comprehend video games and what they mean to me, does that make video games bad or void of meaning? I would probably cast a negative judgement on video games, but is it because I am trying to understand something that to me is incomprehensible? So this brings me to judgment, a  negatively charged thought resulting from the discomfort of the unknown, different, or confusing.

[Insert thought about applying this theory to identity, race, religion, sexuality, politics etc. here].

So anyway, you get it. This is how the game goes–you take a topic and run with it and see where it brings you. This one brought me to judgment, which I could have taken in many different directions, but I would at some point inevitably try to relate back to one of my favorite topics. However, I’m going to stop there and just say thanks for the good think.

I am grateful to this new practice. I think it will be highly beneficial for me to break down and analyze some of my patterns, try something a little uncomfortable and see how long it takes me to eventually come back around to what is familiar. Hopefully when I do come full circle I’ll have some fresh perspective or at least a few new unanswered questions to ponder for the next think session.

Happy Friday, friends!

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